1. For cinematics, either use CS:GO's inbuilt dolly camera or HLAE.
2. Too much foreplay = boring.
3. Clip events didn't have anything to do with the song.
4. Washing out the clip and applying a massive colour streak is never a good idea, and even more so if it's the only thing you've done to the clip...numerous times.
5. Remove any unnecessary footage. People don't need to see when you're being uncertain about moves, they just want to see how you get around to the kills. A little bit of context is nice, but cutting in between is fine if you hide it well.
6. Lack of gun sounds rarely works unless the song's atmosphere requires no interruption.
7. Asking people to like and sub at the end of an edit is never a good option. They will like and sub to you if they think the edit is good/interesting. Plastering that on your edit for a good 10+ seconds is essentially going to drive any potential subscribers away.
Apologies if any of these came out as harsh, but the best way to improve is to know exactly what needs changing.