Well first of all I had to turn my speakers all the way up to hear you in the slightest.
Secondly you sound like you just witnessed your mom being killed infront of you. You should sound more excited, maybe even TmarTn excited.
Lastly you're gonna need a lot better gameplay then that unless you become a God at commentating.
Yea, the audio is defiantly a huge issue. the gameplay is also a big part of comentating, but mostly the attitude of the player. take TmarTn for example. he is allways happy and excited, like Boo said above. IMO, his attitude is one of the things that kept me coming back. and like also said above, camping isint the best thing to do while commentating. what you could try is to have a conversation with yourself, about some topic that is hot on peoples minds, while playing call of duty. like black ops 2. but hey, ill give you a sub, and ill be waiting for a 2nd video.
Obviously the audio is an issue. A bigger issue is not knowing what to talk about. If you listen to some of the bigger commentary guys they rarely say "uhhh". If you can't talk for 6 minutes, then that's a pretty big issue.